Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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