M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
