Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have aggressive nipples.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
