Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
