he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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