We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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