Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
