You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
