My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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