If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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