Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
