I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
