this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
