You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
