her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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