dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
