I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
