I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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