well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize