Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
