I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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