Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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