In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
