Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
