we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
