Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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