I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
