I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
