i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
