ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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