Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
