Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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