He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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