Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
two words...techno handjob
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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