Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize