spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
