I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
vagina is talking i cant
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
