I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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