My Higher Power is John Stamos
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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