i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
