It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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