cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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