I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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