Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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