why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
