you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
