Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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