the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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