Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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