seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
