Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
