yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
