I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
