So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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