i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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