I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can't put those talents on a resume
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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