I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
