I'm so fucking centered right now
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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