We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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