i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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