she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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