wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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