Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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