A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize