went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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