I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
