if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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