Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My pussy is not your playground.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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