Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
