i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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