3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
